Vulnerable != Weakness
First things first, the“!=” in the title represents “not equal to” in computer language. At least the one I studied back in my days. However, to know that (if you don’t already that is) you will first have to admit that it is something you don’t know, which brings us to the point at hand- being vulnerable. Sure you might think it is a bad analogy but it works!
Being vulnerable is defined as “being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally” by the english dictionary. By that definition then, my premise is clearly flawed. If I am in fact exposed to the possibility of being harmed in any way, then it is safe to say that being vulnerable would be equal to being weak. I, however, beg to differ.
Being vulnerable is like having a door of possibilities open. It is the ability to ask questions without having to worry about being ridiculed. It is the equivalent of saying, “ I’m sorry but I don’t understand. If you don’t mind can you explain it once more?” It is having the courage to be true to yourself and to others about who you really are. It takes valour in the arena of constant judgement for an individual to shun the barriers of self pride and actually declare that he may not know it all. Can you imagine how limitless learning gets when you have that attitude?
Being vulnerable is about being sympathetic and open to mistakes, almost tolerant if you may. It is about being able to try even if it means you are not necessarily going to get it right. I’m absolutely sure every artist, creator, scientist, entrepreneur that has ever existed ever will is a very vulnerable person to be able to dream and then give it wings too. More often than not we only know their success stories, not the all so many unsuccessful ones no one had the time for. Isn’t being vulnerable then about being hopeful, about being optimistic, about taking the leap of faith?
One particular area where I think vulnerability needs to be addressed is in that of interpersonal relationships. In early days pictorially people were represented with light around their heads. The light represented the aura they reflected and it was coloured accordingly too(white for saints, black for devils and so on). Today technology has evolved but had it not, then aura would not be represented by light but by walls- thick,opaque walls. Walls of shame, walls of fear, walls of pride and stubborn ego not letting anyone else know what’s going on within the other. That’s invulnerability and that’s how toxic it is.
It’s as though our life is a display of strength- as though it’s not our life but a parade of some military power. We refuse to bow down. No matter how terrible it feels within, we cannot afford to look weak on the outside with “weakness” redefined mind you. Giving and receiving love, saying words of reassurance, needing to hear them are all signs of weakness nowadays. If expressing your need is being weak then how is the other person going to understand it and fulfill it, and if he isn’t going to then how is it ever going to be a rewarding relationship?
Coming for a patriarchal society has not particularly eased my own case. For the longest time I’ve hidden my feelings behind my frowns for it is totally ok to snap at everyone at home and declare they’d never understand, than it is to talk to them and tell them what it is that I’m really worried about. Won’t telling them that I messed it up mean I fall down from the pedestal they’ve long placed me on? For long arrogance was my strongest antidote against vulnerability when in fact it was only making me weak from within. For the not so lucky the next logical resort is to start looking for solace outside and look to “numb” their feelings by getting hooked up to alcohol and other substances! Sadly these substances not only shield their ability to feel vulnerable, but in the process they end up incapacitating their ability to feel feelings of love, joy and happiness as well!
It’s not like the women’s lives are any easier. Already sold to the traditional mindset of having to be able to “naturally” manage the household, they over compensate terrifically by stretching longer hours of work too, and God have mercy on them in case they as much as even try and grumble about it. They would rather be our super woman even if without any power left in them by the end of the day! Do we realise what this essentially means? We find it easier to hide behind our masks inebriated in the spirits of self-shame and fear than to seek outwards from a loved one or a fellow human being!
Why? Fear of being shamed? Is that what it is? Is that all that is? In the first place who drew up these yardsticks and defined these benchmarks about our own selves that our systems itself do not agree to?
Samarth( my son from “Seize the moment” fame) always gets what he wants- you know why? Of Course we are terrific parents that’s why, but also because there is absolutely no ambiguity in our understanding of his needs. Regardless of whether it is justified or not, he puts his whims and fancies out there without any trouble. End result? Well he usually always end up happy and secure.
Come to think of it, it is folks who have a very high self esteem , who have high self-worth who aren’t shy of asking the questions, of being able to admit they have wronged, of telling their loved ones that they love them or of admitting that they’d rather be held tight at night instead of waiting for some heavenly angels to intervene and say it for them. For God helps those who help themselves.
The only people we show our vulnerable selves to most comfortably are our Doctor, lawyer and therapist, that too not all of us. We open up to them mostly because we assume they are specialists in their field and will be able to get us out of our miseries. We would never get the right help if we tried hiding our shame from them. Life is like that. Everyone we meet is a specialist at something. Maybe asking for help will bring us close to solving the problem than really pretending that there never was a problem in the first place.
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seekethfindeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
