Shame — The Solution
Honestly, I think I am reaching the conclusion too soon for something that is so deep and affects each one of us so profoundly and significantly. Having said that, I am no expert in the field and I am sure you will find plenty of resources on your own if you have indeed struck a chord with the topic.
Shame — toxic shame to be more particular, as a concept was introduced and then how we end up wearing masks to not be exposed. How wearing those masks affects our lives inadvertently was then discussed. So now that we know the problem, what is the solution?
As cliché as it is, like most other solutions to problems of the mind, the first step towards healing shame is awareness. Awareness of one’s feelings and the ability to map it to what caused them serves as the first step. These feelings are SHAME INDICATORS. They are patterns associated with one’s behavior which in turn are associated with one’s core belief about themselves. For example, if one believes he is undeserving, he will repeatedly choose menial jobs and feel embarrassed or “less than” all the time. This feeling is his shame indicator that he needs to map back to what is making him feel that way.
The next step is to identify what real event triggers that shame in him. It could be a memory of something embarrassing that happened to him or the fact that he felt disrespected. A person with a belief that he is undeserving is likely to get triggered when he is disrespected. Once the shame indicator and the shame triggers are identified, he is at least able to understand where the problem lies.
From here on, it becomes important to understand how shame works. Shame, once triggered feeds on itself! This vicious circle if not controlled can lead to a dominos effect the consequences of which are far reaching. We start acting out in self destructive ways, isolate ourselves, so on and so forth. Think about it — the way he spoke to me (trigger) made me angry (shame indicator). Consumed by my anger, I said things I shouldn’t have (trigger), and now I find myself angrier!
Healing also involves keeping in check certain external factors that are within our control. Staying away from people and situations that trigger shame in us helps. The original growth in dealing with shame is very fragile and unfavorable environments are easily conducive to a relapse. At this time, connecting with healthier people benefits us more since they are more authentic and provide a safety net which allows us to be vulnerable without the fear of being exposed.
Developing a healthy value system based on our own system of value and not someone else’s brings so much perspective, clarity and depth into our life. Is wealth equal to respect for example? The answer to this simple yet profound question will not only help you get out of your own shame problems but also help you analyze how you treat others and whether it is right. Questioning your beliefs will make you objective, reasonable and secure. Questioning your beliefs will make them vanish if they don’t find a strong basis in your value system and intellect — the very beliefs have been the fodder for years that your shame has been feeding on.
Begin to treat yourself with respect even if you don’t feel respected or you don’t feel respect for yourself. Once you begin to, the world will follow suit. Remember, there is intrinsic value in each one of us regardless of what we do or what we believe. Befriend yourself, forgive yourself first. It is OK for you to make mistakes. Don’t beat yourself about it by being so self critical.
Introspect, get to know your real self. Every coin has two sides. If your core belief is that you are undeserving, ask yourself how this belief is helping you. Maybe it makes you cautious and saves you from being in undesirable situations, saves you from being reckless. Look at the positive aspects of the very traits you loathe. Get to know the real you, take personality tests, try new things. The more you know about yourself the more secure you feel and the lesser shame you experience.
Accept your past and grieve it out instead of being stuck in it. We all have made mistakes. Don’t make the mistake of associating yourself with what you did. A bad act doesn’t make you bad. Accept that the journey of personal growth is a slow one but you will remain committed to it nevertheless.
Keep your conscience clean. See others through the same lens of value system that you have set for yourself. Don’t be harsh with anyone — not even yourself. Your justice system should work the same way for others as it does for you. Find your connection with a higher power and practice spirituality in some form. Doing some form of service helps too but as long as it is not done to feed one’s shame and feel like a rescuer. In that case, again the shame would be feeding on the act of service.
Growing up, we were taught to be humble. We were taught to not boast about ourselves. So much so, that sometimes we were made to feel guilty for our accomplishments! Being able to tolerate humiliation was considered being humble — well almost. Being humble simply means seeing oneself accurately for who he really is, neither overstated nor under. Being humble in this way keeps one grounded and balanced. After all, where credit is due, credit should be taken. Find yourself, find your humility, get your feet on the ground.
The main part of healing basically involves replacing the undermining core beliefs — which by the way are all lies, with the truth. The truth can be replaced by cognitive therapy, positive affirmations, meditation, objectively acting on truth instead of acting on emotions. The most important point to know however, is that regardless of the approach one takes, there is no short cut nor is it easy. Years of conditioning have to be removed. Layers of dirt and dust have accumulated and made one thick skinned. Scrubbing off the dirt will hurt. The mind and body will resist the change to the extent that it may not even seem worthwhile. It is like building a house of cards, you get to a certain level and then it comes crashing down again. But with every attempt your chances to reach the top only improve as does your ability. To be patient and to be able to sustain is the real key.
ALL THE BEST!
