SHAME — The masks we wear
In the last article I tried to introduce shame as a concept. With this article we will go a step further. I hope to be able to at least make you aware when shame gets triggered in you and what immediately follows. Some of the common signs of people dealing with shame ( which by the way might just include each one of us) are as follows —
- Take things personally, take feedback negatively
- Feel invisible, unappreciated, insignificant
- Work hard to be good enough, to compensate for feeling inferior
- People pleasing, co-dependant, have to do more to be loved by people
- You’re constantly worried what people think about you
- Hold yourself back out of fear of sounding stupid
- Feel like an outsider in every situation, like an awkward person
- You’re not comfortable in your skin
- Over blaming yourself or very critical of yourself
- Get defensive very easily
- Struggling to apologize or associating yourself with your action
The list is far from exhaustive and don’t worry if you can relate to most of these signs. Like I said these feelings encompass almost everyone. If you see these signs closely, you will notice that the fear of abandonment is the dominant emotion underlying these feelings. In order to remain relevant and be connected to people we begin to wear masks and become a certain persona. Remember, this persona is not the real you, and it is not constant either. The mask changes with different people.
It is an immediate solution that the brain proposes in order to rescue the mind from the fear of abandonment and loneliness. The need for connection is innate within us, no matter how independent we might think we are. We are subconsciously looking for connections. Shame is a result of not being able to make these connections. Whenever this need is threatened, our evolved brain immediately responds.
Some of the masks we turn to are as follows —
- Stop being vulnerable or show our weaknesses or weak emotions
- Start playing the hero card and always look to rescue a so called victim or start playing the victim card and always look to be rescued
- Play the jester who makes everyone laugh and be the life of the party just to please everyone
- Become a perfectionist or isolate yourself and maintain distance
- Begin to lie or keep secrets
- Start focusing on externals like having a image, having a fancy car, owning the best things, carrying yourself in a certain way that people might respect you
- Become controlling so as to ensure your need is met and the shame is still hidden
- Or become seemingly self sufficient so that there is no need to depend on anybody and hence no need for connections
Just like the earlier list, this one is too non-exhaustive, and nobody has been spared from these quick fixes. What is the problem with this solution then, you may ask. There is an underlying and hidden truth with this quick fix, and that is that it’s not authentic. Anything inauthentic is never a sustainable solution. Sooner or later the conscience realizes that you are lying and then shame comes biting back with double the intensity which in turn leads to resentment, fear and anger.
What’s worse is that in the process of being inauthentic or invulnerable we still get lonely and desire connection. It is a basic need after all. To compensate for it we make pseudo connections. Promiscuity, porn addiction, substance abuse are some of the ways in which we compensate. Bonding over addictions and once the addiction is over so is the bond! Sounds familiar? The problem remains the same. There is no depth, no meaning, no authenticity to these connections. These are not socially connecting behaviors but compulsive instead.
More often than not when two people with shame come together in a relationship one is plays the rescuer and the other the victim. For the initial “honeymoon period” it is a win-win for both. One is happy to help — he feels validated and his ego is pampered as he is acknowledged for solving people’s problems. The other person is happy getting all the help — he is happy with all the attention, time and validation he receives. Eventually though, this person is tired of carrying the other person’s weight and the other person begins to feel unsupported and abandoned. The result? Conflicts arise and both are discontent.
THE SOLUTION
It goes without saying that the solution lies in establishing real, strong connections instead of fake ones, and knowing which are which from the beginning. Like most solutions, it is easier said than done. For now recognizing these patterns in ourselves and in our relationships can be the first step. Try to validate yourself from your own lens objectively instead of looking for value for self from another.
More will follow in the coming articles.
Thanks for reading!
