SHAME — Its Far Reached Consequences
We started with understanding the concept of shame and then moved on to how we mostly try to overcome it by wearing masks and becoming who we are not. It doesn’t just stop here though. I was moved by shame in the first place because of the striking similarities I saw in my behavior with the ones supposed to be associated with it and the consequences they could potentially have in my life! Let us see how shame practically plays out in our lives.
- SHAME and COMPARISONS
From the outset we have been reading that shame is a core belief about ourselves that makes us feel not enough or less than or of less value in some way. As mentioned earlier to overcome this we start wearing masks. We try to out do or overshadow others by seemingly becoming better. We consciously choose an arena where we can surpass others. Someone might find that she is prettier than most others and hence find value in that. Someone else might feel he is more powerful or talented than others and find value in that. Someone might even find solace in the fact that he is a better addict than another because his capacity to withstand a certain substance might be more! The point is their conscious system will make up any story to make them believe that they are better and hence are of value. The problem, however, is that sooner or later someone prettier, smarter, richer or more powerful shows up and when that happens the false ego comes crashing down and with it the baseless valuation one gives himself!
2. DOES A HUMAN BEING REALLY HAVE VALUE
Let’s talk about a more fundamental question. If not comparison then where and how does one find value? Let’s go to an infant. A newborn baby really is nothing more than a liability. She is unable to carry out any tasks and only adds to the bills if anything. Yet she is the center of mom’s and dad’s universe and is perceived to be of great value. Ever wondered why? Living beings are intrinsically valuable. It is no wonder we are always taught to respect everyone irrespective of their backgrounds and age.
THERE IS INHERENT VALUE IN EVERY LIVING BEING — PERIOD.
Knowing and memorizing this basic fact might help your self esteem and make you want to stop trying to be better than someone. Other ways of adding genuine and unadulterated value in your life are by building a good character and by doing good work or service selflessly. The work need not necessarily be noble, giving or charitable but it has to come from a space of benevolence nevertheless.
3. SHAME and CONFLICT RESOLUTION
You might wonder what shame has to do with conflict resolution. Well a lot, pretty much everything actually. Our shame determines our strategy at the time of a conflict. A person with a lot of toxic shame treats a conflict situation as a threat to his very existence. In his mind the conflict will determine whether he will come out a winner or a loser. Naturally, he is determined not to lose. So what does he do?
- Strategy 1 — He will avoid conflict at all cost. No conflict = No loss
- Strategy 2 — When in a conflict, if it becomes evident that he is at fault, he tries to deflect and somehow walk out of the conversation
- Strategy 3 — He becomes an expert at distorting the facts so that it is always the other person’s fault. Never be wrong and admit no wrong
- Strategy 4 — He tries to trump the opponent’s anger with greater anger so that they are intimidated or he plays the victim card and makes his opponent guilt laden
Any of these strategies seem familiar to you? A secure and a less shameful man will not shy away from accepting his fault and will take the loss in his stride. The loss will not define him, but rather make him stronger and wiser.
4. SHAME and BOUNDARIES
Do you, like me, have a problem of not being able to say NO easily? Ever wondered why? I am mostly worried that my NO might make the other person upset and then I’m insecure if I will be of value in that person’s life. Essentially, I derive my importance from another! Do you see the defect in that? A person with so much shame is never able to really set boundaries in life. Consequently, he ends up feeling beaten, manipulated, used and abused. If he does try to set a boundary, he starts feeling guilty or selfish because he has never prioritized himself before! The only way left for him to set a boundary then is through anger or isolation, neither of which are healthy. He abandons himself in guilt of setting boundaries and lives with the self inflicted grief. If others set a boundary with a shame based person on the other hand, it makes them feel rejected and abandoned and they think something is wrong with them and hence are being kept at bay. For a crooked person it becomes very easy to manipulate such a person. He realizes that this person is at the mercy of his approval and consent.
5. SHAME and HOW WE TREAT OURSELVES
People with a lot of shame are mostly very self critical and hard on themselves. Their best is never enough unless there is external validation, approval and appreciation for their actions. As a result they end up sabotaging themselves even in the best of situations. I, for example, get extremely cautious when everything is going right in my life for too long. I think it is a sign that some trouble is going to come my way soon and guess what? It does! Shameful people flirt with risk in this way and create negative thought patterns. They focus on their failures and negative qualities to the extent that their own justice system thinks they deserve a punishment for what they have done. The end result of such self criticism is never good. It ends up deteriorating mental health and it is not long before shame turns to anger and anger to anxiety. Anxiety may manifest as depression and a whole lot of other psychiatric disorders a human being is rather better without.
I hope with this article and the ones before this, you are now able to see how big a deal shame is and how it has the power to change our lives for the better if we learn to deal with it. For me personally, it is the seed of insecurity which forms the basis for complexes and from there start vicious circles of negative thought patterns and unsatisfied lives.
