Lend Me Thy Ears
In the third standard I was recognised by my english teacher for my elocution skills. By the time I was in the sixth standard I was doing lead roles in prominent school plays and by ninth standard I was making speeches and participating in debates at various levels. No, I am not showing off. The point I am trying to make is that right from a very young age we are taught to talk, we are recognised for our capacity to articulate. Seldom does anyone try to imbibe the ability to listen or elaborate its importance. A speaker is only as good as his audience after all.
LISTENING — a skill that I think is taken most for granted, especially in today’s digital world. The content is all out there on the internet and everyone almost knows everything. Even if they don’t, Google and Youtube are out there to sort them out. Who wants to listen to a lecture with moral underlinings after all!
LISTENING — There is something so meditative about it, so simple yet so difficult. Looking back at life, one of the biggest deterrent to my growth has been my inability to listen. That of course, is not to say that I have not grown, but I am sure I would have evolved much more had I inculcated this habit much earlier. Better late than never, eh? But if you are like me, who finds it necessary to make a point all the time, to feel important or sound knowledgeable or for any other reason, a good place to start with can probably be setting an intent. Before entering the “arena” decide that you will only listen first and talk later, that too if necessary.
DON’T GIVE TOO MUCH AWAY ALREADY
In my college days, one weekend when I was home alone, I had a few friends over. We were partying and the following Monday when my mom arrived she abruptly asked me, “What was going on at home behind my back?” I panicked and blabbered that I had some friends over and we had a small party and food from outside assuming she had discovered something worse. Turns out she was enquiring what a silly bottle of soda was doing in the refrigerator! Now if I had only stopped and waited for her to finish what she was trying to say. If only I had listened to her.
By talking impromptu we end up saying stuff we might not really mean. Sometimes we give too much information away — information that might not be necessary and sometimes even better if withheld. Listening to the other person is sort of a filtration process for our own mind. The fact that you lend the other person an ear in the first place is in itself a symbol of security and respect.
Many times I have been caught off guard when I have not really thought of a situation in detail or comprehended it well. I have usually ended up over committing in these instances only to regret later. In hindsight the right approach seems to simply lend the other person a patient ear and then ask him for some time to recollect one’s thoughts and make a well informed decision. More often than not, we are in a hurry to close matters and end up saying things hastily without weighing in the consequences.
Listening is the equivalent of reading a book, it is the symbol of a willingness to learn. The process of a dialogue has two aspects to it, one of speaking and the other of listening. While most of us almost always want to do the talking, listening usually takes a back seat. What do you think the end result of such a dialogue is? We almost always end up back to where it had started since the conversation didn’t evolve at all!
So why are we such poor listeners? We are generally of the opinion that the person who has the last word or talks the most usually wins the argument. In reality the person who talks the most usually overpowers everyone else. That is all he does. The talk is but a coping mechanism to hide their incompetencies. The person who listens is an aware, fair minded and conscious person. They are willing to understand your point of view before just deciding his is the right one.
We are also scared to listen because we don’t want to be wrong. Our tendency to be right all the time, to be so full of ourselves is the biggest hindrance to the path of listening. We don’t listen for the fear of being vulnerable. One must realise though then there is no growth or evolution of the self on this path. It is like walking on an escalator in the opposite side of it’s direction only to find yourself where you started!
Listening after all is a symbol of acceptance, an act of love and a form of empathy. Think about it. What most counsellors and psychologists do is simply listen to their clients. They provide a secure environment and make their client feel safe and unprejudiced. I’m sure they do other things as well and their job must not be easy but active listening is certainly a big part of their profession. The increase in the number of mental health cases is a clear indicator of how poor out listening skills are.
The most knowledgeable person is the one who actually doesn’t believe so. He is always out there keeping an ear out to listen to things he doesn’t already know. He is aware and listens to everything, filtering the information as what he already knows and adding to his database what he doesn’t. By listening to our children we teach them how to be great listeners themselves and the importance of this skill. It’s where we should all start. Listening to someone is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of security on our own part and a sign of comfort for others.
With the hope that you will be a better listener and bring about terrific growth in your life by practicing this simple skill, I leave you with this quote by Pratik Agarwal —
No one wants to listen, but everyones wants to be listened to,
No one wants to understand, but everyone wants to be understood!
